Freedom

I do not have freedom at all. Not that I don't have it totally, I do have a bit, let's say, 50%.

Maybe it's because I am the only daughter my parents have, or maybe because I am a woman. They are constantly reminding me not to hang out late etc, but c'mon, I need my freedom. I need my space.

I feel envious of my friends whose parents are not as strictly controlled as me. Some of my friends would tell me stories of which they went home at 6am the next day, which my parents would vehemently object if I wished to do it. However, whenever I tell my friends that I cannot do a lot of things, they would lament that what a good parents I have. Yes, I have to admit, they are, but they shouldn't control me too tightly.

You see, I am a person who loves to explore the world. I am like a bird, yearning to see the world.

I always have a dream of studying overseas. I would dream of myself settling into a foreign country, where I have to accustom myself to the new environment. The best part is, I will be making friends with people from all over the world. It is a good experience, ain't it?

It is good to have a dream, but what if this dream will never be fulfilled?

I am crying while typing this out. Yes, laugh all you want.

I always told my dad about my dreams and he would always promise me that he will allow me to study overseas, but my mum will always pour cold water onto me and tell me to give up my dream of studying overseas. My parents just couldn't afford to pay the hefty school fees.

Even so, I had never thought of giving up my dreams. I would console myself that I could get a scholarship, or  a bank loan. However, it would be difficult to obtain a scholarship since students who are took their 'A' levels would have a priority over Polytechnic students.

This is so demoralising. Yesterday, I participated in a community project organized by NUS students. The group members I had were most probably from JCs. I felt a bit embarrassed to tell them that I am studying in a Polytechnic.

My friend also told me that a radio commented that "Polytechnic students will never be as smart as JC students". That is so hurtful. Does this mean that a Polytechnic student would have an even lesser chance to obtain a scholarship?

I have digressed quite a lot. Let me get back to the main point on freedom.

I know I am still young, but I should have my own personal space. It's not as if I would do something illegal or pick up bad habits like smoking.

I have an independent mindset and I do not like people to control me. I always suppress my feelings instead of revealing them to you because I am afraid you will get worried. However, you felt that I do not share things with you and you will go on saying that I will get my retribution one day. I guess it doesn't pay to be good. *sigh*

I love my family. I just couldn't express my feelings out. I want to share everything with you, but you always say that you don't have time. You felt that I have neglected this family, but in truth, I care a lot. As you said, action speaks louder than words, but probably my actions were too discrete for you to notice.

I felt so much better after writing this post. My parents probably wouldn't read this though.